By Pseudo the Psychic

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Aries

(March 21 to April 19) - Your cat will take a nap in your dryer, check it before you put in the clothes. Later in the month you will use hair spray instead of underarm deoderant.

Taurus
(April 20 to May 20) - An unwanted relative will visit you and stay for six months. Keep your bedroom curtains closed, your neighbor will purchase a video camera.

Gemini
(May 21 to June 21) - Jerry Springer will call to ask you to do a show about perversions. Children will give you good reason to commit yourself to a mental hospital.

Cancer
(June 22 to July 22) - Your phone number will accidently be placed in an ad for a phone sex line, enjoy yourself; but don't bother taking up a hobby this month as you have no talents for anything.

Leo
(July 23 to Aug 22) - After the cashier has rung up your large grocery purchase you will find that you forgot all your money at home. Later in the month you will be trapped in a elevator with some very short tempered bikers.

Virgo
(Aug 23 to Sept 22) - You will receive a $20,000 phone bill for 900 numbers this month. Later in the month you will have a coordination problem so do not handle sharp objects.

Libra
(Sept 23 to Oct 23) - A good time to comptemplate your navel, if you can see it. Everything you try to sing at a Karaoke bar will be out of tune and people will throw things at you.

Scorpio
(Oct 24 to Nov 21) - You will lose the ticket stub you need to get back into the movie. A good time to photocopy your butt and send copies to your ex-bosses.

Sagittarius
(Nov 22 to Dec 21) - Your computer will not be user friendly to you this month. You will have to remove an appliance from a box filled with millions of foam balls.

Capricorn
(Dec 22 to Jan 19) - Your car will die out in the middle of a lonely country back road in the middle of a thunderstorm. Beware, an ATM machine will shread your credit card and laugh at you.

Aquarius
(Jan 20 to Feb 18) - The waiter will only ask you how your meal is when you have a mouthful of it. This month everytime you pick your nose, someone will see you do it.

Pisces
(Feb 19 to March 20) - A good time to start seeing a psyhciatrist on a regular basis. The opposite sex will only want you for your money this month so avoid them.