Here's the Top Ten Signs You Have No Friends:

10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's friends and family plan.

9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what do you want to rent tonight?"

8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group.

7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world.

6. Your initials are G.S., and you own a major league baseball team in the Bronx.

5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep, He's dead."

4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters and tying them to the furniture.

3. James Taylor sings the first few bars of "You've Got a Friend", notices you in the audience, and stops.

2. You're still drinking from same keg you bought on New Year's Eve '87.

1. All your phone calls start with "976".