It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This

Bill Clinton: What A Stud!


Elmo ("Registered Democrat") Spludd

I'm sorry, but I'm going to come right out and challenge anyone to name one thing in the universe better than a sex scandal in the White House.

Notice I said, "in the White House." No more of this he-said she-said crap about what happened when you-know-who was Governor of Arkansas. Can you name the current Governor of Arkansas? I didn't think so.

The more I hear about this Monica and Bill story, the better it gets. Secret tape recordings. Phone sex. Semen stains on a dress awaiting possible DNA testing. Deny, deny, deny. Dan Quayle called the whole thing "disgusting." But this is from the same guy who had to have his spelling corrected by a fifth grader.

Far from disgusting, I find the entire sordid episode interesting beyond description. Not so much the allegations of sex, which are interesting enough, but the way this stuff seeps out from unnamed "sources" and makes its way from the media to the public.

Case in point: The deposition that Bill Clinton gave in the Paula Jones case in which he supposedly admitted to banging Gennifer Flowers. How does the news media get hold of this stuff? This is a legal document which by law is supposed to remain confidential. Yeah, right. Anyway, who knows if any of this is true? News people won't name their sources. Whoever leaked the information certainly won't come forward, because they've committed a crime by leaking it. How do we know that whoever started this rumor even saw or heard the deposition? We don't. We just have to take someone's word that it's a "reliable source."

Then there is the "unofficial" spin being put on Monica by White House insiders. You'll never hear their names mentioned, of course, because they are making what could possibly be libelous statements about the woman's character. Far from being another in a long line of discarded playthings of an oversexed Chief Executive, Monica, it seems, suffers from obsessive delusions brought on by an unrequited crush on the President. And she was just sooooo depressed when she was exiled to the Pentagon that our compassionate President made it a point to call her and counsel her, and even solicited his friends to try to get her a decent job somewhere. Give me a break.

Another thing that catches my attention when these sorts of stories erupt are the subtle ways the media shapes the "alleged" facts to make things seem even worse than they are. When the Monica Lewinsky story first broke, we all saw the same photograph of Lewinsky, a simple portrait, big teeth and all. It was everywhere. It must have been the only photograph of this dame anyone could find on short notice. After a couple of days, however, we started seeing a different photograph, this one of Monica seated at a table at some sort of banquet or reception. Why the change? Because this one showed CLEAVAGE! And by George, this woman has some big bazoongas!

Did I say "woman"? My mistake. Her attorney keeps referring to her as a "24-year-old girl," with all the overtones of helpless, naive impressionability that this description conveys. And we are constantly reminded that the "alleged" affair took place when Monica was a "21-year-old girl." NOT MUCH OLDER THAN THE PRESIDENT'S OWN DAUGHTER. Gasp! Suddenly it's gone from an extramarital affair to incest!

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for freedom of the press. Without the press, I probably wouldn't be enjoying myself as immensely as I am right now. But we should all make sure we've got our thinking caps on when dealing with second and third-hand information from anonymous sources, a ridiculously sensationalist news establishment, and meticulously rehearsed sound bites from lawyers.

I'm not going to bore you with what I personally think REALLY happened. But I will say that it kinda irks me to think that Bill Clinton probably has had more women in one month than I'll ever have in my whole miserable life. And to think I voted for the guy-- twice!


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