Enjoy these excerpts from transcripts of actual (NOT) 911 calls received from within the city of Port Huron. Transcribed by Elmo Spludd. Warning: some have PG-13 Language!

Episode 1: Toad Abuse


Operator: 911.

Caller: Hi, is this 911?

Operator: Yes, this is 911. What is your emergency?

Caller: Uh, my boyfriend like got this new tattoo a few days ago and it's like making him act weird.

Operator: I see. In what way is he acting weird?

Caller: I don't know. He just doesn't seem to be normal. He does weird stuff, you know?

Operator: Could you give me a specific example, ma'am?

Caller: Well, like yesterday he found a toad in the bushes and he brought it inside and started chanting over it.

Operator: I see. Did he do anything else with the toad?

Caller. Yeah, it was really gross. He like crucified it.

Operator: I see. This tattoo, ma'am, is it some sort of Satanic symbol?

Caller: I'm not sure.

Operator: Is it an upside-down cross, or the number 666, or a five-pointed star?

Caller: No, it's like some kind of goat with funny twisted horns.

Operator: Okay. Ma'am, where do you live?

Caller: In an apartment.

Operator: No, I mean what is your address?

Caller: Oh. I'm not sure. We live in this house right next door to like this church out on Tenth Street.

Operator: You live next door to a church?

Caller: Yeah, it's like a Baptist church or something.

Operator: Does your boyfriend live there too?

Caller: Well, sort of. He actually lives with his parents, but he stays with me most of the time.

Operator: I see. Is he there now?

Caller: No, he's like out drinking with his friends.

Operator: Do you expect him back soon?

Caller: I don't know. I don't think so.

Operator: Okay. Do you have anyone you can stay with tonight?

Caller: Why? Is he like contagious or something?

Operator: No, but he could be dangerous, ma'am.

Caller: Oh. Is he like crazy or something?

Operator: There's no telling what he might do, ma'am. He has become a minion of Satan.

Caller: Oh my God. Oh my God.

Operator: Please try to remain calm, ma'am. Is there anyone you can stay with until your boyfriend can get proper treatment?

Caller: (crying) I guess I could stay with my old boyfriend for awhile.

Operator: Does he have any tattoos?

Caller: Yeah. Like, I mean, who doesn't?

Operator: Can you describe them to me?

Caller: Well, he's got a big dragon on his back. And a heart with a knife through it on his arm. And he's got one of those little naked mermaid kind of things on his, you know, his thingie.

Operator: Is that all?

Caller: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Operator: Okay. He should be safe. You should see if you can stay with him for awhile. Will you do that?

Caller: Yeah. Is my boyfriend going to be all right?

Operator: I'm afraid he is damned for all eternity. But we need to think about you now, right? And make sure you're safe.

Caller: (crying) Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening to us.

Episode 2: Trouble at the Castle

Operator: 911.

Caller: Hello, this is Harv Lefkowitz calling from White Castle Hamburgers. We've got a real problem here.

Operator: Try to remain calm, sir, and tell me the nature of your emergency.

Caller: We've got at least six people stuck in the doorway in the front entrance and there's a bad pileup in the drive-through.

Operator: Is anyone injured?

Caller: I don't think so. But I've got a lot of irate customers who ordered food and can't get to the window to pick it up. They're starting to get really ugly.

Operator: All right, sir, I'll have EMS there as soon as possible with the Jaws of Life to pry those doors open.

Caller: You'd better send a riot squad, too. There are fights breaking out. My God, my maintenance girl just got it with a tire jack! This is awful! Send help!

Operator: Please, sir, stay calm and remain on the line. I'm sending extra tear gas cannisters and some really vicious attack dogs.

Caller: (in background) Hey! What are you doing with that deep fryer? Put that down! Hey! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

(connection lost)

Episode 3: Get the Puck Outta Here

Operator: 911.

Caller: Hello, who is this?

Operator: This is emergency 911, sir, what is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: These kids playing street hockey. They're gonna get hurt.

Operator: Excuse me, could you repeat that please?

Caller: Kids playing street hockey, out in the middle of the road. They're gonna get hurt.

Operator: I'm having a difficult time understanding you, sir. Have you been drinking?

Caller: What, drinking? Hell yes I've been drinking. It's Friday night, it's January, it's Port Huron. What the hell else would I be doing?

Operator: Sir, this is an emergency line. Is there an emergency situation you'd like some help with?

Caller: Well, there's gonna be an emergency if those little punks don't get out from in front of my house, I'll tell you that.

Operator: Sir, it's not against the law to play street hockey in residential areas. In fact, in many neighborhoods it's mandated by city ordinance that at least one game must be in progress at all times after 5 p.m. on weekdays.

Caller: Listen, I happen to know some pretty important people, lady. I put a new roof on Ajax's place last summer. Ajax and me are tight, I kid you not. Now I want those kids out from in front of my house. Little bastards. I got my .22 right here if push comes to shove.

Operator: You have a gun, sir?

Caller: Well, Jesus H. Christ on roller skates, lady, I just told you. I got my .22 right here beside me and she's ready to rock and roll, I'll tell you that. Little bastards.

Operator: Sir, it's illegal to discharge a firearm in the city limits. I'm afraid if you shoot one of those kids I'll have to send an officer to cite you for a violation.

Caller: Well hell, I ain't gonna shoot one of them kids. I'm gonna shoot ALL of them. Little bastards.

Operator: Sir, why don't you just stay on the line with me and we'll talk this over.

Caller: I've got my rights, too, you know. Man's got a right to a little peace and quiet in his own house. Ain't that so?

Operator: Perhaps I misunderstood you, sir. Are the kids actually INSIDE your house?

Caller: Are you stupid or something? They're out in the road, playing hockey.

Operator: As well they should be. Maybe you'd rather they were doing drugs, or crucifying toads.

Caller: Toads? What the Sam Hill are you talking about? Who is your supervisor?

Operator: Hello? Are you still there? Hello? We seem to have a bad connection, sir...

(connection lost)

(The above text is a spoof and in no way meant to put down on the fine work that the Port Huron 911 operators do for it's citizens. ATO.)

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