Episode 1: Toad Abuse
Caller: Hi, is this 911?
Operator: Yes, this is 911. What is your emergency?
Caller: Uh, my boyfriend like got this new tattoo a few days ago
and it's like making him act weird.
Operator: I see. In what way is he acting weird?
Caller: I don't know. He just doesn't seem to be normal. He does
weird stuff, you know?
Operator: Could you give me a specific example, ma'am?
Caller: Well, like yesterday he found a toad in the bushes and he
brought it inside and started chanting over it.
Operator: I see. Did he do anything else with the toad?
Caller. Yeah, it was really gross. He like crucified it.
Operator: I see. This tattoo, ma'am, is it some sort of Satanic
Caller: I'm not sure.
Operator: Is it an upside-down cross, or the number 666, or a
Caller: No, it's like some kind of goat with funny twisted horns.
Operator: Okay. Ma'am, where do you live?
Caller: In an apartment.
Operator: No, I mean what is your address?
Caller: Oh. I'm not sure. We live in this house right next door to
like this church out on Tenth Street.
Operator: You live next door to a church?
Caller: Yeah, it's like a Baptist church or something.
Operator: Does your boyfriend live there too?
Caller: Well, sort of. He actually lives with his parents, but he
stays with me most of the time.
Operator: I see. Is he there now?
Caller: No, he's like out drinking with his friends.
Operator: Do you expect him back soon?
Caller: I don't know. I don't think so.
Operator: Okay. Do you have anyone you can stay with tonight?
Caller: Why? Is he like contagious or something?
Operator: No, but he could be dangerous, ma'am.
Caller: Oh. Is he like crazy or something?
Operator: There's no telling what he might do, ma'am. He has
become a minion of Satan.
Caller: Oh my God. Oh my God.
Operator: Please try to remain calm, ma'am. Is there anyone you
can stay with until your boyfriend can get proper treatment?
Caller: (crying) I guess I could stay with my old boyfriend for
Operator: Does he have any tattoos?
Caller: Yeah. Like, I mean, who doesn't?
Operator: Can you describe them to me?
Caller: Well, he's got a big dragon on his back. And a heart with
a knife through it on his arm. And he's got one of those little naked
mermaid kind of things on his, you know, his thingie.
Operator: Is that all?
Caller: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Operator: Okay. He should be safe. You should see if you can stay
with him for awhile. Will you do that?
Caller: Yeah. Is my boyfriend going to be all right?
Operator: I'm afraid he is damned for all eternity. But we need to
think about you now, right? And make sure you're safe.
Caller: (crying) Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening to
Episode 2: Trouble at the Castle
Caller: Hello, this is Harv Lefkowitz calling from White Castle
Hamburgers. We've got a real problem here.
Operator: Try to remain calm, sir, and tell me the nature of your
Caller: We've got at least six people stuck in the doorway in the
front entrance and there's a bad pileup in the drive-through.
Operator: Is anyone injured?
Caller: I don't think so. But I've got a lot of irate customers
who ordered food and can't get to the window to pick it up. They're
starting to get really ugly.
Operator: All right, sir, I'll have EMS there as soon as possible
with the Jaws of Life to pry those doors open.
Caller: You'd better send a riot squad, too. There are fights
breaking out. My God, my maintenance girl just got it with a tire
jack! This is awful! Send help!
Operator: Please, sir, stay calm and remain on the line. I'm
sending extra tear gas cannisters and some really vicious attack dogs.
Caller: (in background) Hey! What are you doing with that deep
fryer? Put that down! Hey! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!
Episode 3: Get the Puck Outta Here
Caller: Hello, who is this?
Operator: This is emergency 911, sir, what is the nature of your
Caller: These kids playing street hockey. They're gonna get hurt.
Operator: Excuse me, could you repeat that please?
Caller: Kids playing street hockey, out in the middle of the road.
They're gonna get hurt.
Operator: I'm having a difficult time understanding you, sir. Have
you been drinking?
Caller: What, drinking? Hell yes I've been drinking. It's Friday
night, it's January, it's Port Huron. What the hell else would I be
Operator: Sir, this is an emergency line. Is there an emergency
situation you'd like some help with?
Caller: Well, there's gonna be an emergency if those little punks
don't get out from in front of my house, I'll tell you that.
Operator: Sir, it's not against the law to play street hockey in
residential areas. In fact, in many neighborhoods it's mandated by
city ordinance that at least one game must be in progress at all
times after 5 p.m. on weekdays.
Caller: Listen, I happen to know some pretty important people,
lady. I put a new roof on Ajax's place last summer. Ajax and me are
tight, I kid you not. Now I want those kids out from in front of my
house. Little bastards. I got my .22 right here if push comes to
Operator: You have a gun, sir?
Caller: Well, Jesus H. Christ on roller skates, lady, I just told
you. I got my .22 right here beside me and she's ready to rock and
roll, I'll tell you that. Little bastards.
Operator: Sir, it's illegal to discharge a firearm in the city
limits. I'm afraid if you shoot one of those kids I'll have to send
an officer to cite you for a violation.
Caller: Well hell, I ain't gonna shoot one of them kids. I'm gonna
shoot ALL of them. Little bastards.
Operator: Sir, why don't you just stay on the line with me and
we'll talk this over.
Caller: I've got my rights, too, you know. Man's got a right to a
little peace and quiet in his own house. Ain't that so?
Operator: Perhaps I misunderstood you, sir. Are the kids
actually INSIDE your house?
Caller: Are you stupid or something? They're out in the road,
Operator: As well they should be. Maybe you'd rather they were
doing drugs, or crucifying toads.
Caller: Toads? What the Sam Hill are you talking about? Who is
Operator: Hello? Are you still there? Hello? We seem to have a
bad connection, sir...