By Pseudo the Psychic
(March 21 to April 19) - Avoid the police, they are looking for an escaped convict who looks like you. A surprise trip will be in store for you this month, avoid stairs.
Taurus
(April 20 to May 20) - Spice up your life, time to change your hair color to a nice shade of green and wear red clothes. You will fall in love with someone who wears Depends and has dentures.
Gemini
(May 21 to June 21) - You will see a sign this month, avoid hitting it with your car. You can't take it with you so give all your money to the Around Town Online Editor.
Cancer
(June 22 to July 22) - You are determined to be a big success in love, don't count on it or hold your breath. Your own preacher will use you as an example of sin in his sermon this month, you should have put more money in the basket.
Leo
(July 23 to Aug 22) - You will empty your car ashtray out the window on a lonely country road in front of a huge motorcade of Hell's Angels bikers, beware! You will find you forgot to pay your accident insurance premium when you get to the hospital.
Virgo
(Aug 23 to Sept 22) - A good time to clean your house to find out where that funny odor is coming from. For some reason, the papparazzi will camp on your front lawn this month, start worrying.
Libra
(Sept 23 to Oct 23) - A good week to watch reruns of "Leave it to Beaver" and reassess your family values. Life will be so boring you will take up sky diving, pack light and check your life insurance.
Scorpio
(Oct 24 to Nov 21) - You will be besieged by telephone marketing calls for phone services or funeral plots. The song "Feelings" will get stuck in your head all this month, time to get a love life.
Sagittarius
(Nov 22 to Dec 21)
- You will get a phone call from Jerry Springer about your sexual habits, be discrete. Beware of little old ladies with umbrellas, a wrong comment will result in head injuries.
Capricorn
(Dec 22 to Jan 19) - Do not drive on your neighbor's lawn anytime this month, you could lose your ability to walk. Love is not in the cards, become a monk or nun and enjoy eternal celibacy.
Aquarius
(Jan 20 to Feb 18) - Do not answer your door this month, Jehovah's Witnesses are recruiting. All the Monica Lewinsky coverage will may cause you a nervous breakdown, ignore the news.
Pisces
(Feb 19 to March 20) - A good month to change your boring lifestyle, look into becoming a transexual. Your love life is in a slump, good time to call an escort service or spend lots of time on a chat line.